While i doubt too many people are closely following my Twitter profile, anyone who has may have noticed that i've recently been demoted from "dummy" to "bitch". Not sure if that's a permanent or temporary move, but i earned it.
One consequence of writing detailed blog posts and expressing just about everything that is on my mind relating to my new experiences as a sub, is that Princess Sheridan has a way of reading through an entire post (a long post) and picking out that one sentence that could be an indicator of a weakness or a screw-up on my part. She sniffs it out like an expert detective and i'm astounded by Her attention to detail. i had NO IDEA what i was really getting into when making the commitment to serve Princess. i'm very glad i did, and so is Goddess D, but wow these interactions are intense and they impact my psyche more than anything has in a very long time.
i was very happy to see that Princess Sheridan seemed to enjoy my last blog post. i enjoyed writing it, and almost needed to write it as there were all kinds of thoughts swirling through my mind over the weekend. One thing i did point out towards the end of the post was that i intended to be brutally honest and not portray everything as some kind of perfect fantasy (Most of it really is! But not everything.) i inferred that despite all of the amazing interaction between Goddess D and i, that we have had a few hiccups at times. As exciting as this experience is, it shouldn't be difficult to understand that with it comes some supercharged emotions every now and then, especially as new as it is to both of us. The details aren't important nor are they appropriate for the blog, but one of our bigger bumps in the road took place on Saturday night. It can be described as a pretty common disagreement between a married couple, and by late morning on Sunday we had some great conversation, had ironed it all out and were right back on track. But that's not really the point, is it? Princess Sheridan messaged me asking for details on some of these disagreements with Goddess D. Trust me, i knew i was screwed right then and there. i've read Princess Sheridan's blog. i know where She stands on what is expected of a sub. i know that in a difficult moment i came up woefully short of that expectation. Period.
It was an odd day for sure yesterday. On one hand Princess Sheridan's interview came out along with the clip She associated with it. i really enjoyed each and let Her know. If anybody hasn't seen it yet, and i highly doubt that's the case, here's the link:
Feature Interview: Princess Sheridan
Princess and i interacted a bit over DM about that and eventually the chat led to Her even suggesting the possibility of my being allowed to come at some point if my behavior met expectations (with Goddess D's approval of course). Even then there was no guarantee i'd meet whatever expectations She had in mind. However, in the middle of that conversation i was drafting up an email to Her about the argument with Goddess D on Saturday night. You don't even really need more details than that to know that i was screwed.
There's no possibility that an argument with my Domme is acceptable. The moment i sent the email i knew that Princess would be raining fire down on me soon enough. i wasn't sure when or how, but i knew i could expect something. i sent it, and i took my medicine. i wouldn't have it any other way. It's a reality that i need work as a sub. i'd have loved to just snap into being the perfect sub from the very beginning but i'm admittedly struggling in certain cases to swallow my pride and change the tendencies i've had for years. it's one thing for somebody to "session" with a Domme, or check in a few times a day and be appropriately subservient in those moments. It's an entirely different thing to be held to that standard 24/7 while sharing your life with a Domme. Not making excuses by any means, but i have improvements to make. Sometimes i feel like i need a time out from being subservient to take on "real life", when in reality i should be making being subservient a part of "real life". i have every intention of making that change. i just don't think i ever fully realized how high the bar would be until now.
Anyway, sure enough, Princess was not happy with me. She told me exactly how i should have handled the situation. She ordered me to change my name to "Goddess D's Bitch" and that the first words to come out of my mouth the next time i talked to Goddess were to be "i know i am Your bitch. i will try my hardest to become a better bitch for You." It should go without saying that this isn't the type of exchange that i enjoy. i felt like shit immediately for allowing this to happen and still do.
On one hand i don't think there was any way of avoiding this. It's a learning experience i needed to go through in order to bring the issue to the forefront so i could correct it. i've been reflective all day and really thought through how i could've handled everything differently. After work today, Goddess D and i had a very productive conversation. Obviously i want to make changes and let Her know as much. At the same time i at least wanted to express some of my internal fears to her that come with submitting on that level. i'm a passionate person. i'm a social person. i've always taken stands based on certain principles, not just in interactions with Goddess D but with anyone. Much of that has resulted in me being the person i am today, and deep down there's probably a fear that i'll lose an important part of my identity. The reassuring part is that i know that's the last thing Goddess D wants. i can swallow my pride, apologize, and at the appropriate moment explain myself and have constructive conversation again, once all of our short-term emotions have passed and there's a better forum for discussion. i just need to have that trust in Her, and there's no reason i shouldn't.
This hasn't been a sexy post by any means. It's a little on the serious side and an unpleasant one for me to write. Hopefully not too much of a buzzkill for anybody reading it. No worries though, there will be no shortage of exciting stories ahead, even if a lot of it comes at my expense!
i can't help but now realize that Princess Sheridan knows more about about the inner workings of our relationship than any family or close friends that we have. Just such a crazy thought considering that we didn't even know Her a few months ago and there are so many things about Her we'll never know. Despite all that i've always prided myself on being a good judge of character and i have absolute trust in Princess Sheridan. Yeah, i'll get my ass handed to me often and Princess will be merciless. Sometimes in a fun way, sometimes not so fun. This isn't always easy for me, but it's worth it. i just hope that i am able serve both Her and Goddess D at the level they deserve.
Here's to hoping that my next blog post is filled with sexy, crazy and kinky stories instead of another description of how i fucked up!
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